Oh hell I am drowning in low self-esteem right now

I’m trying to work from home today but I have been looking out of the window for almost the past hour. My MacBook Pro retina screen repair has been done by a great local company and I’m sitting in front of my shiny repaired laptop ready to rock.

But the problem is that I feel really low and barely able to move.

I saw my male friend the other day and we got on really well. In fact I think there was a bit of chemistry there which I perhaps was not aware of before. It may be the reason why I have continued to converse with this guy for two years while he was away.

But it turns out he has somebody in his life. And even though I think he felt the same way, I think we both realise that the friendship could get messy if it now resumes from where it was two years ago, when there is somebody else in the way. I really don’t want to do that, and so I kind of taken the tough decision not to really contact him anymore, I will respond to him if he contacts me but I won’t initiate contact.

So friends are drifting away and life is feeling a bit tough right now. I’m filling at a real crossroads and I’m hoping that I don’t drift off down the wrong road forever.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, I’m starting to exercise and eat better than I have done for years, and the work I am doing when I do work is very good. But I feel like I’m being dragged under the surface constantly. You know how in the Jaws films, when the flailing legs get attacked and slowly the victim gets weakened and dragged under forever. That’s how I’m feeling about life right now. My God when I write it down like this in a blog it sounds ridiculous.

Perhaps that’s why this blog is becoming therapeutic to me. Writing things down gives a new perspective in my mind. In essence, I don’t really care if anybody reads this blog, that’s not why I’m writing it, I’m writing it for one reason only, and that’s to make sure that I get my inner feelings out into the open in the only way I really can, as I don’t want to bother my friends and family with my thoughts right now.

Friends coming home but will they still be friends

Today I am excited because later on one of my old friends is coming home after two years away. I have known him all my life and I’m really excited because he has been away doing journalism in the big city.

I’m really looking forward to catching up and spending time with him and seeing how he is. I really want to hear how he’s made a life for himself in the past couple years, and am hoping it will help to push me to do the same for myself.

I think one thing I’m concerned about is that he will have moved on away from me emotionally. I’m also concerned that when men and women of friends there is always a sexual barrier.

It happened a few weeks ago with another friend of mine, although she was a female. We had not really caught up face-to-face for a year, although we exchanged emails and texts regularly. But I think technology got in the way. We already knew a lot about how the other one had been, so when it came to sitting down face-to-face and talking, it actually felt a bit weird and we struggled.

I think this made us both feel that the friendship was not right and I haven’t really contacted her since. It’s very strange because she is my friend, but something about the familiarity having been nurtured through electronic means, made real life seem strange. I think that might be the same with online dating, where people converse through messaging for a few weeks before meeting, and then when it comes to meeting face-to-face, they already know a bit about each other, but they have to suddenly patch the real personality into what they already know through online interaction.

And I’m hoping that it doesn’t happen with my journalist friend. I really want to tell him about all the great things in my life, and not just bore him with things like how I’ve had to deal with a MacBook Pro screen replacement trauma, or that I’m worried about my life. (By the way, I ended up finding a place in Los Angeles that had the Macbook replacement screen that I needed, I will be getting it fixed very soon) It’s really odd but even though I want to catch up with my friend, I don’t want to bother my friend with issues in my life, large or small. Isn’t that a bit weird?

Is the old me falling apart?

I’m not feeling myself at the moment. I think the old me is struggling and in a bit of trouble. Pressure with work, family and technology, meaning my poor old MacBook with its cracked screen, have left me feeling a bit of a shell.

When I was a bit younger I did have a tendency to get an panic attacks from making tough decisions. I was so afraid of regrets that I couldn’t make any decisions or take any chances, only because of the fear of realizing afterwards I settled on the wrong decision.

It got so extreme, I couldn’t even choose what sort of fast food to order without feeling incredibly anxious. However, now that I’m older, and have pushed myself and worked hard to overcome this fear, I’m almost an expert in making decisions, without any anxiety. Or I was.

Now that fear is starting to come back. I’m not back at the panic stage yet but it’s starting to concern me that I’m going backwards. I don’t feel I’m going backwards in my life, in fact I think I’m doing very well at the moment especially with work and with most things, although as with anybody else I still have things like to do better.

But little things set me off. Dropping my MacBook cause a stress reaction in me which I didn’t account for. But I think it was just a trigger on top of all the rest of the stress that I have been suffering from recently, and the smallest things now seem insurmountable.

I talk to my friend Kelly yesterday and she was in agreement with some things I said to her. She is also struggling with love, family, friends, everything and has been for years. She also feels every time she takes a step forward, she ends up taking two steps back. I think the reality is we are all moving forward in our lives, but when we are only focused on the day in front of us, and the day we just had, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture.

That’s why little things like getting a computer sorted out for a spare part can send us into a spin that seems bigger than it is.

I’m finding this blog really helpful to get things out and off my chest and I’m hoping that between this, talking to my family friends and everything of learn to my life, that I can overcome this.

I wouldn’t recommend life to anyone right now

My life is quite hard at the moment. I’m not going to try to sugarcoat it anymore, especially not to people I’m writing for on a blog. When friends and family are asking me how I am, I tell them I’m okay. But the truth is I’m mostly just about hanging in there.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a bit depressed, or if there is just too much stuff going on in my life. There is nothing worse than feeling hopeless and that’s what I’m feeling right now. It’s a bit weird because I am actually doing quite well with work and I have a great set of family and friends around me to help me.

But I think there have been a series of things going wrong recently which have dampened my spirits.

I’ve already told you about my MacBook disaster and the trouble I’m having getting the retina screen parts locally. That is still going on and on bit concerned about getting a replacement screen sorted out. It scares me how much technology is at the center of our lives.

I’m also concerned about my mum, she has not been very well recently and I think age is beginning to catch up with her. My sis is also concerned and we both had a little bit of cry yesterday about everything.

So things are going on in my life, but I’m sure they are in everybody else’s as well. But sometimes things just get on top of us or and the smaller things can seem huge. I remember the old saying about if you think you are too small to affect things, imagine being a mosquito in a bedroom.

It’s a lovely saying, although not the implication, and when you think about it, it shows how something very small things can have influence and focus from things around it. That’s the trouble with problems, once they get into your head, they can be all you focus on.

So is any positive news in my life at the moment? Well I have my health, my exercise regime is underway and I started doing juicing. Actually not sure that is a good thing because I’m starting to get a bit obsessed with it now and I’ve been reading a lot about it online and I might have to rein in my feelings about losing weight from doing it.

But then that’s always the way, when one thing is wrong, other things seems to stack up behind it.

Bang goes the MacBook screen and part of my life

Well what can I say about today. It’s been horrible from start to finish. Really busy with work and I was rushing about the house and stupidly had my MacBook Pro in my hand. I tripped and dropped it on the floor, cracking the screen. I’m an absolute idiot and it’s put me back by ages in my work today.

It still usable, but it’s got a big crack across it which is making it difficult to use. So if my typing is a bit weird, it is because I can only see two thirds of the page properly.

I’m a bit nervous because I did a search online for MacBook Pro screen replacement in my area. I rang the couple of local places that could help and they said that the retina screen parts were not in stock. Which means they will have to be ordered in, which means time and hassle for me. I’m really fuming with myself and I should not have rushed around. But how many of us spend our days rushing round with technology in our hands, especially mobile phones worth a fortune, without even considering the impact on our lives if we drop them and ruin them.

Apart from the MacBook disaster I also burnt lunch. Now that doesn’t sound like much of a disaster, but I spent $30 on a new oven pan and it was the first time I have used it. Because it is so burnt I had to throw it away, I just couldn’t get everything off, so it’s cost me a MacBook Pro screen and a $30 oven pan today.

In other news, I decided today that I’m not going to throw any fruit or vegetables away ever again. Any leftovers are going to be daily turned into smoothies, or juiced as they call it. I’m not doing it for a health kick, well not particularly, I’m doing it more to stop the waste.

I’m hoping that I can cut down on my shopping bill by a few dollars a week and also get a bit healthier. That also means I’m going to have to do a bit of exercise rather than sitting in front of a computer screen all day, but I think it could get me into daily routine of doing something positive, which I can then use to build on and do some regular daily exercise.

Wow this was three very busy days

The last few days have been incredibly busy in my life. I had bingo on Sunday, and we were at full capacity, and I even had to think about maybe moving everyone into a bigger room at the venue. I think it may come to the point where I have to change the times for the sessions and the venue, we had 30 people in this session and I think I will have to make some calls because if it continues then I just can’t provide a good experience for them.

After the bingo I went to my sister’s house and found them just walking inside when I got there. We were going to have coffee but soon after that it became like Grand Central Station. In an hour, two cousins, a brother, two children and parents that all arrived. Completely coincidentally. There were some phone calls to bring other local family members round and before we knew it it turned into a full-blown party.

So I got home a little worse for wear, and what started out as a quick bingo day turned into a full on party that didn’t finish until midnight.

The next day was all about grocery shopping and clothes shopping. I know that doesn’t sound particularly busy, but I’m looking for an outfit for a wedding, clothes for my new baby niece and I had to do grocery shopping and get some bits for the house. So because of the way things are locally, it took a lot of driving and moving around to achieve this. And with traffic and lunch it took me six hours. By the time I got home and did a bit of work, the day was done.

And then on day three, it was mostly about delivering work. I worked flat out the 10 hours and my beautiful MacBook Pro seemed to glow with all the work I was throwing at it. It didn’t help that always through I was getting text messages from friends and emails from clients that also had to be done. I didn’t really stop to eat much and all in all it was a very busy day.

And on the fourth day I rested. No I’m not a God, I’m just a very busy person living your average Western lifestyle. I hope my new blog will be a great experience and just maybe somebody else will read it and enjoy it.