Oh hell I am drowning in low self-esteem right now

I’m trying to work from home today but I have been looking out of the window for almost the past hour. My MacBook Pro retina screen repair has been done by a great local company and I’m sitting in front of my shiny repaired laptop ready to rock.

But the problem is that I feel really low and barely able to move.

I saw my male friend the other day and we got on really well. In fact I think there was a bit of chemistry there which I perhaps was not aware of before. It may be the reason why I have continued to converse with this guy for two years while he was away.

But it turns out he has somebody in his life. And even though I think he felt the same way, I think we both realise that the friendship could get messy if it now resumes from where it was two years ago, when there is somebody else in the way. I really don’t want to do that, and so I kind of taken the tough decision not to really contact him anymore, I will respond to him if he contacts me but I won’t initiate contact.

So friends are drifting away and life is feeling a bit tough right now. I’m filling at a real crossroads and I’m hoping that I don’t drift off down the wrong road forever.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, I’m starting to exercise and eat better than I have done for years, and the work I am doing when I do work is very good. But I feel like I’m being dragged under the surface constantly. You know how in the Jaws films, when the flailing legs get attacked and slowly the victim gets weakened and dragged under forever. That’s how I’m feeling about life right now. My God when I write it down like this in a blog it sounds ridiculous.

Perhaps that’s why this blog is becoming therapeutic to me. Writing things down gives a new perspective in my mind. In essence, I don’t really care if anybody reads this blog, that’s not why I’m writing it, I’m writing it for one reason only, and that’s to make sure that I get my inner feelings out into the open in the only way I really can, as I don’t want to bother my friends and family with my thoughts right now.

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